Double Dragon (Movie): Retro Review
A member of the long standing tradition of terrible movies that are based on video games. The one thing that surprises me, is the fact that Paul Dini is one of the main writers! The man who gave us the DC animated universe from the 90’s/00’s, “Tiny Toons” and “Freakazoid!” had a hand in this. I can’t even express how much that blows my mind. I suppose that just goes to show you that nobody’s perfect. Everyone has black marks on their records. Will Smith has “After Earth” and “Wild Wild West,” Tom Hanks has the Dan Brown adaptations and even the mighty Peter Jackson has “Meet the Feebles.” I guess this was Paul Dini’s turn.
Poor Mark Dacascos. I feel like he’s horribly underrated, but also never put into good enough roles. I loved “Only the Strong” growing up. It wasn’t the best, but it showed what he could do as both a martial artist and an actor, but it also seems like no one was good at anything in this movie. It’s as cheesy as they come and one of the worst video game adaptations in existence. I think it’s on par with “Super Mario Bros.” in terms of just being terrible.
Somehow they even managed to make Robert Patrick terrible. Just look at his hair! Who’s idea was that and why did anyone agree? Why were the 90’s so obsessed with lights, colors and grunge? Everything was so campy. I mean, there are movies that I loved from that era. I think the 90’s was actually a golden age for entertainment media, but man. There’s even a moment when Billy stands in front of a Double Dragon arcade cabinet while fighting his possessed brother.
Maybe my memory is a bit off since it’s been so long, but I remember the video game being a side scrolling beat ’em up about saving a girl. I mean there was a girl here (played by Alyssa Milano, who looks good no matter how ridiculously she’s dressed), but she honestly saves the brothers more than they save her.
This movie is about brothers who aren’t that good at fighting battling a corporate gang leader in a dystopian land who is trying to get his hands on two pieces of a mystical amulet so he can become a transcendent being of darkness and rule the world. Then when he gets the amulets and becomes two guys with swords, he is easily defeated by the brothers and the light switch. Yup, you heard that right. Go back and read it again, I promise it’s just as ridiculous no matter how many times. It’s really just a massive, super-campy chase movie that makes no sense. I’m sure it was supposed to be funny in a lot of moments, but I only found myself shaking my head.
The characters are also extremely inconsistent. You know your movie is poorly written when Bo Abobo has the best character arc. Don’t even get me started on the dialogue. I just don’t know what the point here was. Did this movie make a lot of money? Absolutely not. It was a complete and utter commercial failure. Thank you 90’s world population for having taste.
Jonathan Thomas Jones is a speculative fiction author and founder of geekhavenreviews.com. He has been passionate about all things geek for his entire life. See more about him at jonathanthomasjones.com and follow him on twitter @jtgloryjones.
